Me: ‘Hi mum, what you up to?’
Mum: ‘oh nothing really. I slept in till eight! ‘
Mum:’I know – disgusting: all I do is rest! Your father was snoring again so I didn’t get down till about two. I lay there as long as I could but it was boring so I thought, may as well make myself useful. The cat was moaning so I fed her. Then I thought, may as well get the ironing done, so I did that and the floor. Did you try the lemon solution on your bath? There was a thing on the radio about bleach fumes – this woman passed out in the toilet in Boots. If they’d used the lemon it wouldn’t have happened. Ten minutes she was there before someone saw her feet sticking out.”
Mum:’ I’d have hoovered, but it was probably a bit early’.
Mum:’Did your sister tell you? Your dad chipped his tooth’
Mum:’I told him not to have those mints. They don’t even taste minty but you know what’s he like. ‘
Me: (sympathetic) ‘Yeah’
Mum:’It’s not like it was toffee. A toffee I could understand. But a polo? Imagine. He had three!
Me: ‘Mmmmm, yeah’
Mum:”I said to him, ‘Stanton, you don’t want to risk it, not after last time, but he can’t be told. It was only a wee one but I knew when I heard the crunch.They should put warnings on the packets. A child could easily choke’.
Mum: ‘Him and mints. Remember what he did when we were on holiday?’
Mum:’No, she hasn’t heard it. He wasn’t wearing his glasses and lifted the toothpaste instead of the soap. Asked me if it was a new shower gel. “Nice and minty” he said, “but it doesn’t get much foam”.
(Dad shouts something)
Mum:’ No, I’m trying to listen! He says he got his new glasses.’
Mum: ‘They’re designer. What are they, Stanton?’
‘Justin Timberlakes. No: Timberlands. Justin Timberlands. Hold on
(to Dad) Why are you shouting? Well tell her yourself. (whispers) He doesn’t know what he’s got”.
(sound of wrestling)
Dad: “Your mother doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Honestly! It’s not Timberlakes. They’re by your man off the telly, Wan Gok”
(sound of struggle)
Dad: “You doing alright?”
(sound of muffled laughter)
Mum: “Well, have another mint then, mister smarty. Your father. Doesn’t know what to be at. So what’s new with you? Hold on: No – that’s the sky! I love the sky!
Sorry love, your father’s trying to do my jigsaw. Good to hear from you. Stanton – not the blue bit – ”
…Are they all like this?