Nervous about changes in my routine and being in a new place.
Nervous about meeting new people and opening up to them.
Nervous because I’m seeing good friends and I’m scared I’ll be boring or weird or a burden.
Nervous about looking wrong and acting wrong and not being in control.
So here’s what I did. I took my nerves shopping.
And I bought them:
4 tubs of funny-smelling shampoo (it was on offer. So that’s really not strange at all)
A striped t-shirt that screamed ‘chic Gallic charm’ in the shop and ‘mistake’ as soon as I’d left
(man this is embarrassing).
a pair of false eyelashes.
– Don’t. Say. It. I Know.
Last time I tried false eyelashes it was at a wedding and they spent the whole day escaping towards my chin. On what planet will I ever wear these – let alone a conference.
I’M AN IDIOT.
But you know, in the shop, these ridiculous purchases seemed to make sense. With a head full of worries, they all addressed a need. They promised to make me into someone acceptable. Someone that strangers would like. Who friends would think charming.
Someone who doesn’t get nervous or wobbly. Someone strong and confident and beautiful and fun. Cheryl Cole, not Emma Scrivener.
I’ve returned the lashes.
And thought a bit about why I got them.
I knew I needed something. But it wasn’t in the shops.
What I needed was to talk to Jesus about being scared. It wasn’t glossy hair or longer lashes.It was a pint of silence, 4 rolls of rest, a jug of joy and a punnet of peace. It was for free – and it was Him. So why do I keep forgetting this?