Loneliness isn’t necessarily wanting company. It’s being with other people and feeling like you’re different. You can laugh at the right moments and wear the right stuff, but you’re always out of step. You know it and they know it and the harder you try, the worse it gets. You cackle and clap and blunder in and withdraw, all the time praying: ‘Like me dammit, LIKE ME’.
I know a guy who grew up with hearing difficulties and as a result, felt like he was always locked out. He can hear much better now, but still struggles with social interaction. When nervous, he’ll bellyflop into conversations with something completely inappropriate: it’s better to have negative attention than not to exist.
Trying to be liked is exhausting and after a certain point, it’s tempting to give up. Maybe you retreat into self-pity. I’m misunderstood. People are threatened by my intelligence. Other women are jealous – and men are just er, weird.
Or you beat yourself up: I’m a loser. Of course I have no friends, because I’m boring/too fat/too thin/ugly/stupid/brunette. I hate me and everyone else does too.
There’s the anger option. They don’t want me? Well, sod ’em all. I can cope fine on my own. I’ll seal myself off and they’re never know me really and I’ll never hurt like this again.
All these are tempting. But they’re partial truths – which is to say, lies. The reality is this:
Of course I’m flawed. I’m far worse than others think – worse than I’ll ever know myself. My life revolves around me; almost every decision is motivated by self-interest, greed, fear, ignorance.
I’m also misunderstood. No-one – not even my husband, will ever know me completely. I don’t know myself.
I can seal myself off and cope alone – for a time. It’ll protect me from harm; but it’ll seal me off from life too.
The affirmation and acceptance I’m so thirsty for – will never be met by other people. Not my friends, not my partner, not my family, not my job. This hurts – and it’s right to grieve. But it’s not the final word. On the other side of rejection is a bigger truth: what we crave we never needed. But what we have in Jesus, can never be taken away. Perhaps in His acceptance I’m freed from seeking yours.
Well, I’d like to be your friend. But your conclusion is great :) xxx
Great insight! We pass up what Jesus freely offers while desperately seeking the acceptance we never really needed. Isn’t this the truth, and right at the core of so much bizarre and destructive behavior.
I never had a huge desire to be accepted by big groups of people. But there were a few ones in my life whose acceptance meant everything for me.
I don’t know Emma why is this, but recently I find most of the relationships boring. I find boring in church life and outside of church life. I am absolutely bored with superficiality,boasted self esteem. My friends are important to me, but outside of them I really don’t care. I don’t have desire to please people, to do things only to be accepted. This gives me freedom, but sometimes I wonder if this is really God’s way. Maybe this is a season when I am allowed to enjoy things on my own without feeling guilty or under pressure.
I find I can work a mean combination of all 3 – call it “quiet resignation”…”Y’know what, actually I quite like my own company, and you strangers are scary and hard work. I’ll sit in this corner and knit and read my book and pretend I’m not looking whilst peering over the book I have upside down and you can all get on with being cool. I’ll wait over here and wait for you to notice me. Or not, of course, I won’t trouble you, my company is pretty awesome so having it to myself is quite nice… ish” ;-) Thank God for Jesus – He comes over, turns the book the right way up, whizzes off a couple of rows of knitting too then pulls me up to join in the party. Yay!