In a land far, far away
There lived a man called Jesus.
Jesus was the son of God. Not in a technical sense of course, because that would be ridiculous. But in a lovely, general way. You could tell because he was so Nice. He was the nicest man that ever lived. He liked everybody. And that was his message. Everyone should love everyone, he said.
Jesus was nothing like his dad. His dad had a white beard and flashing eyes and sometimes killed people for no real reason. His dad gave the humans impossible laws and was always shouting about shellfish and sex. When the people couldn’t keep his impossible laws, God was forced to work out a plan B. So he sent Jesus to be a really good example. If you can be kind like my son said God, then maybe I won’t be so angry.
Jesus had lots of friends but no girlfriend. This is because he was into woodwork and also because he was so spiritual. Sometimes he talked a bit of nonsense. But he meant no harm to anyone and a nicer man you couldn’t hope to meet. He did magic tricks at weddings and went fishing on his day off.
That would probably have been all we know about Jesus except that he got mixed up in a crucifixion. It’s hard to explain as he was so nice, but some people say God wanted him as an angel. Another reason is the beard. In those days lots of men had beards, so it was easy to get them confused. Unfortunately Jesus’ beard looked like the beard of Barabbas. So Jesus got crucified instead of Barabbas.
This sounds worse than it was. But it actually had a happy ending, because Jesus came back from the dead! (Not literally, of course, because that would be ridiculous). But if you’re kind like him then he lives on in your heart. Like the tooth fairy, only beardier. And if you’re supernice like him, then maybe his death will have been worth it.