I’m not a fan. In fact, I hate it. I hate change. But it loves me.
I can’t avoid it. Though believe me, I’ve tried.
I tried it with anorexia – trying to stop time. I tried it with OCD – trying to control my environment. I tried it with academia – sentences like fences, walling me in. Safety in books. But loneliness too.
I tried it with relationships – the loved ones who swore they’d always be there, (they died). The boyfriend who promised not to leave, (then did). The friends who said they’d stay in touch (I can barely remember their names).
I wanted to stay still – but the world around kept turning. It dragged me, grumbling, along with it. Except that is, for a teeny, tiny speck. A rebel voice that whispered words of encouragement and challenge. Words like ‘faith’ and ‘risk’ and ‘life.’
I didn’t want to grow up – but I wanted to be an adult. I didn’t want to leave home – but I wanted to make my own life. I didn’t want to move house – but I longed for my own place. I didn’t want to organise a wedding – but I wanted to marry Glen. I didn’t want to do IVF – but I wanted to have a baby. I didn’t want to be a Christian – but I wanted Jesus as my Lord.
I didn’t want to change – but I wanted to be different. And by God’s grace, I am. He promises to do the same for anyone who comes to Him. Change is only scary if you don’t know where you’re going or who you’re going with. But as the Lord leads us, we can trust our fears and our future, to Him.
I hear Jesus’ voice and He calls me by name and leads me out. Jesus goes before me and I follow him, for I know his voice. I will by no means follow a stranger. (John 10:3-5)