Start Again

On bad days, my version of Christian discipleship is not the official one. It’s a ledger with four columns.

The first one says, ‘how am I feeling?’ (scored from 1 (atrocious/shouldn’t have been born) to 10 (So good it HURTS)

The second one asks, ‘what am I worth?’ (based on answer to no 1)

The third one says ‘what did I do to deserve this score?’

And the fourth one says, ‘how can I make it better?’

It might sound complicated, but it’s comes very naturally.  Let me give you an example…

Today is a Thursday.  I don’t like Thursdays, (they’re not Fridays). Plus, I didn’t get much sleep, I forgot a friend’s birthday and I’ve got a sore throat. So (q1), today I’m feeling a 4.

If I’m feeling a 4, then I must be worth a 4, right? That’s q2. Which brings us to…

Q3. What did I do to deserve my 4?  Well, not a lot. That’s the problem.  I didn’t finish the jobs I set myself.  I didn’t reply to the emails I’ve been putting off.  I didn’t call my mother.  I didn’t remember to renew the insurance.

I did however, shout at my husband, make my daughter cry (she’s not a fan of broccoli), misinterpret a comment from a friend and buy the wrong brand of nappies.

Like I say, a big fat 4. Which I totally EARNED.

Which takes me to the final question.  How can I make it better? How can I FEEL better and be more valuable?

New lipstick.

Compare myself to folks who are somehow “worse.” (Dictators).

Have a good moan.

Do “Helpful” Things. Lots of them: shop, clean, email, puree vegetables, clean.

…

Three hours later, I’m weeping with exhaustion, BUT I reckon I’ve worked myself up to a 4 and three-quarters. So I decide to read my Bible.  But even here, I’m trying to earn it.  I’m trawling through Jeremiah not because God loves me, but so that God loves me.

Gah.

And then I start again.

I ask the same questions.  Only this time, it’s different.  This time, Jesus answers on my behalf.

1. How am I feeling? Still a 4. But I tell Him about it, instead of hugging it to myself. And He says…

2. You are worth dying for.  I did.  You are utterly, utterly loved.  You are united to me – which makes you perfect.  You’re a 10.

3. What did you do to deserve this score?  Nothing.  Whether you’re good, or whether you’re bad, it’s not about you.  Which means you’re free. Free to live and free to look to me.

4. You can’t make it better.  But I already have. I love you.  Now, give me that ledger. I’ll nail it to the cross.

And – rest.