Last night I was giving my testimony. It was a 6 hour journey to our venue and the baby was screaming. Glen and I argued in the car. I hadn’t looked at my notes, we were running late and when we arrived, the hotel couldn’t find our booking. I felt tired and flat and grumpy and useless. It seemed impossible that God could use me in any way. I hadn’t had the right build-up. My preparations had been thrown out, all was lost.
We raced to the venue. As I stood up to speak I was praying. ‘Lord, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m the last person to be talking about what it means to follow you. Please, please help.’
I spoke about my past – and present – messiness. I talked about Jesus and how He meets us, even in the dark. And as I read from the Bible, He met me afresh. You’re weak, He said, but I am strong. You’re ashamed, He said, but I will cover you with grace. Lift your eyes from yourself. Look to me. I am enough.
I did. And as we drove back to the hotel, I wondered afresh at His beauty. Thank you Lord, I said. I can do nothing in my own strength. You are all I need.
Woke up this morning feeling good, but empty. Maybe last night I’d found the key to faith; a real grasp of who Jesus is. But now I wasn’t so sure. If only I could find The Key again. Something I can do to make it right.
I drink coffee, stay busy. Check my emails. Clean the room. Ask Glen again, Did I do okay? Is God happy with me?
Yes, he says slowly. He loves you as you are. Sit down now. Rest.
I have to work on my book, I say. I have to feed the baby. I have to make some calls. I have to go shopping.
You don’t, he says. We’ve got everything we need.
I find myself at Tesco’s. 50% off selected groceries. Groceries I don’t need.
I’ll take ten. Because I’m empty – and stuff will make me safe.
My arms and heart are heavy as I think back to last night. ‘I’m enough,’ Jesus told me.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know.’
Yesterday I frantically prepared for The Godly Thing – speaking about Jesus. And He came through in spite of my failures.
Today I’ve frantically chased the Worldly Things. And you know what? Jesus remains the same.
I didn’t magically grasp The Key last night. And I didn’t tragically lose it today.
I didn’t walk the tightrope last night nor did I fall off it today.
There is no tightrope. There is no key. He’s got me. And He won’t let go.