When we see someone drowning, our natural instinct is to dive in.  But if we’re not careful, we can end up sinking too. That’s the nature of addiction.  Like a pebble in a pond, it ripples outwards, drawing in, not just the sufferer, but all those in its path. Addicts in particular, exert a certain ‘pull’. It’s agonising to watch – and even harder to help.  But there’s a difference between caring about someone and taking responsibility for them.  You don’t want to drown with them.  Instead, you want to ... Read More

Image: Caleb Magnino This evening I’ve giving a testimonial-talk. Ten years ago, I spoke just around the corner on the same theme. But I’m hoping that the content will have changed.  And I’m praying that the person speaking would be unrecognisable to her old self. Ten years ago I was studying at Bible college and in the grip of an eating disorder that would almost kill me.  For a while I managed to hide my obsession. I threw myself into church activities, missions and teaching.    I gave talks about the gospel and wrote ... Read More

How do you help an addict? If you’re an addict, how do you help yourself? It’s easy to judge. It’s easy to justify. Is there a place that’s in-between? Can we go beyond the caricature? The tramp, sloshed on special brew? The teenage drunk, giddy with alcopops. Before we turn the lens on others, can we look at ourselves? –  if so, are we prepared for what we might see? A couple of glasses in the comfort of my own home.  A few beers with the lads.  Celebratory cocktails.  After-work drinks.  Mummy’s ... Read More

Writing in the Guardian today, Bibi Lynch talks honestly (and painfully) about her struggle with childlessness. If this is a live issue for you, it might be too hard to read, but it does give an insight into the despair and frustration that can accompany it.  She says: ‘Being a mum has its difficulties – but they are finite and surmountable.  If you haven’t had a child, that devastating problem can never be solved…You feel you have lost your identity? Well I’d say you have gained a better one…From every ... Read More

The lie of addiction is this: I can stop any time I like. One day – not today of course – but soon, I’ll stop drinking.  I’ll start eating. I’ll stop binging. I’ll forsake those websites and delete those images. I’ll cut up the credit cards and walk past the bookies. When this happens, you tell yourself,  everything will return to “normal.” You’ll leave behind your old shameful self and begin afresh. Quick and painless. A new start, with no guilt, no recriminations and no consequences. Of course, this ... Read More

Sometimes, life feels very overwhelming. This has been one of those weeks. I’ve written a book. It’s only a little one and the publishers haven’t read it but I’m too tired to wheel out all the caveats about ‘it’s not very good no-one’s gonna read it blahdeeblahblah’ (true though they may be).  It’s written and I’ve handed it over and that’s that. But it’s hard to process. And it doesn’t feel how I thought it would. Here’s the thing.  I always wanted to ... Read More

It’s okay to be you. No – not, the pretend you.  The messy, squashy, notgotittogether you. That’s okay. You’re stronger than you think. You can’t turn back the clock. But you won’t feel like this forever, either. There’s no six point plan for fixing ‘it’. There never is. You don’t need to know what the future holds. Daily bread is plenty. You’re not on your own.  You’re not crazy or weird or beyond help. You might not know anyone who feels like you right now, but ... Read More

I’ve read a lot of stories about recovery, but not many of them talk about the actual  process – or its ongoing  struggles. It’s hard to write  in the present tense.  You don’t have the objectivity of distance and your heart looks awfully raw and bloody, slapped on a plate. Plus, you’re just so sick of the whole thing. Sick of having to keep re-engaging in the same battles  and of relearning the same lessons.  Sick of judgements – especially your own. Recovery should look like this: complete and ... Read More

Here’s something really horrible. One of my friends has been sick for a long time. We’ve been ‘poorly buddies’, picking one another up and encouraging each other when we have nasty days. She’s really been struggling and we’ve been praying for ages for a breakthrough. It seems that those prayers have been answered in a miraculous way. She’s  started getting much, much better and her life has been transformed. Yet here’s the thing. Mentally, I am thrilled for her.  But on a visceral, gut level, ... Read More

But I really want to be. I really, really, really want to be. But I’m not. So there it is. Some days I don’t mind so much.  I think about it a little, but it’s like the background music in the coffee shop.  Unless you stop talking or working, you barely notice. Other days it’s like a pain, or a punch in the stomach.  A  kind-of winded breathlessness.  An internal ache, a sadness that won’t lift. One red line instead of two.  Nothing, it’s nothing. It’s fine. But there’s another little voice ... Read More