Yesterday I was thinking a little about church family.  Today, I’m pondering the complicated splendour that is Family Family. And more specifically, Family Communications. Aah,  genealogy. That bloody, brilliant and brutal tapestry comprising drunken uncles and giddy aunts, skeletons in the closet (and under the floorboards), unspoken rivalries, scandal-scented moth balls, feral pets and all manner of crazy traditions, routines and general shenanigans. Not that you’d guess.  No sireee.  Aside from the occasional dark hint ... Read More

When I was a little girl, there was no-one who could touch my dad.  In a confusing and threatening world, he was the still centre.  When he held me in his arms, no-one could hurt me.  Nothing could take me from him. My dad did a great job and I wouldn’t swap him for the world. But one of the hardest parts of growing up was the discovery that my dad was human – he didn’t have all the answers, he got sick and he hurt and he wouldn’t always be there – no matter how much he wanted to. A lot is made of the ... Read More

What does it mean to hold out Jesus to others? I’ve been thinking about this after a conversation I had with my mum. We were talking about what it means to be a Christian.  I desperately, desperately wanted her to understand. But the more I tried to explain, the deeper I foundered.     I knew what I wanted to say.  But the words got stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth. I wanted to say that it’s all about grace.  From start to finish, there’s nothing we can do to earn salvation – it’s all a free ... Read More

My mum’s coming to visit tomorrow.  I’m excited – but nervous too. I love my mum. I wouldn’t change her. Except for one thing: I wish, I wish that she was a Christian. I became a Christian when I was 13.  It was a choice that placed me subtly, but firmly, outside of an uncomplicated family affinity. My parents, though sympathetic, were uncomprehending. And it changed our relationship and the way in which I viewed the world.  It called into question values that I had previously taken for granted.  And it raised (and ... Read More

Is it just me … or does your family also have a complex system of unwritten rules that everyone obeys, even if no-one says them aloud?  Rules about who you are and where you fit and what is and isn’t acceptable and how things are or aren’t done. In our house for example, we work as a team.  Nothing, but nothing happens, without a family summit.  Lost your socks?  Let’s huddle.  Got a rash? Let ME Take a look. Jar to open?  I CAN DO IT! Here’s another: no-one ever addresses issues directly.  If there’s a problem, we go around ... Read More

‘It’s better to give than to receive’. Well sorry folks, but I’m not so sure.  If you ask me (er – and even if you don’t), the whole present business is a dangerous affair – on both sides of the equation. So what is it about gifting that I find so hard to accept? Christmas (and birthdays) are stressful for many different reasons.  Impending bankruptcy, family dynamics and a general surfeit of everything from mince pies to Cliff Richard. Nothing makes me more miserable than The Expectation of Extreme ... Read More

It’s three am. Where am I? Not where I should be.  Not tucked up in bed, snoozing. Not spooning my husband. Or counting sheep. Nope, I’m on the kitchen floor, cleaning under the cooker. This will sound bonkers, until I explain that today, My Mum is Coming. In the last hour I have: 1.re-painted part of the kitchen wall. 2. developed a comprehensive sorting system for my underwear. (Off-white, grey and less grey). 3. raided the fridge. (Less said about this the better, but anyway. When nervous or excited, I crave sugar.  Fizzy ... Read More

But I really want to be. I really, really, really want to be. But I’m not. So there it is. Some days I don’t mind so much.  I think about it a little, but it’s like the background music in the coffee shop.  Unless you stop talking or working, you barely notice. Other days it’s like a pain, or a punch in the stomach.  A  kind-of winded breathlessness.  An internal ache, a sadness that won’t lift. One red line instead of two.  Nothing, it’s nothing. It’s fine. But there’s another little voice ... Read More

I’m realising just how scared I am of relationships.  Of other people coming into my space, both physical and emotional.  Leaving footprints on the carpet and making mess and looking in the drawers and exposing me. It’s not a simple thing.  Bigger than the fear is the desire to invite other people in. It’s a bit like when I started eating again.  I was so hungry, I just couldn’t stop.  (Binging is still an issue, especially when stressed…but that’s another post). In the same way, after years of hiding ... Read More

Families, eh? Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live…er, with ‘em.  I love mine dearly.  But like many people, I’ve had moments where I’ve tried to jump out of the family tree. Before I got married, my birthdays were marked by joke presents (Wonderpants and ‘How To Get A Man’). Now everything’s different.  Instead I’m given Grannypants and ‘How to Keep Him’. Of course, getting hitched doesn’t mean escape.  Instead it’s another poor soul sucked into the ... Read More