When we see someone drowning, our natural instinct is to dive in.  But if we’re not careful, we can end up sinking too. That’s the nature of addiction.  Like a pebble in a pond, it ripples outwards, drawing in, not just the sufferer, but all those in its path. Addicts in particular, exert a certain ‘pull’. It’s agonising to watch – and even harder to help.  But there’s a difference between caring about someone and taking responsibility for them.  You don’t want to drown with them.  Instead, you want to ... Read More

From Deborah Orr, writing in the Guardian: 10 things not to say to someone who’s ill: 1. ‘I feel so sorry for you’ ‘…Do say: “I so wish you didn’t have to go through this ghastly time.” That acknowledges that you are still a sentient being, an active participant in your own drama, not just, all of a sudden, A Helpless Victim’. 2. ‘If anyone can beat this, it’s you’ ‘…Funnily enough, it’s not comforting to be told that you have to go into battle with your ... Read More

I’m writing a training evening for church leaders on ‘Eating Disorders’. And I’m not quite sure what to say. Here’s what I think people (including me!) want to hear.  A short explanation of what eating disorders are and who they impact.  A description of the warning signs.  The names of specialists who’ll deal with the messy bits. A list of practical suggestions on how to support those affected. The problem – and then the solution. I’ve got these things in my notes. That’s what people ... Read More

It’s tempting to assume that churches are full of people who’ve got it together.  The Sunday morning freshly-scrubbed faces and starchy smiles that disguise altogether murkier and choppier depths.  The argument  that’s tidied away along with the breakfast dishes – or at least until the final hymn. Everyone else is fine.  You’re the only one with any issues. Of course, this is a nonsense idea.  Church is for those who recognise their need of a Saviour – not those who can manage on their own. But if ... Read More

Life this week’s been a bit chocca.  I’m working to a deadline for the book:  ‘A New Name’ and it should be out in the summer.   I’d really value your prayers as I put the finishing touches to my story.  I hope it will help those affected by eating disorders and point people to Jesus.   In the meantime I thought I’d post a couple of quotes from Frederich Beuchner’s memoir, Telling Secrets.  Here he talks about caring for his anorexic daughter and it’s one of the most insightful ... Read More

Here’s something really horrible. One of my friends has been sick for a long time. We’ve been ‘poorly buddies’, picking one another up and encouraging each other when we have nasty days. She’s really been struggling and we’ve been praying for ages for a breakthrough. It seems that those prayers have been answered in a miraculous way. She’s  started getting much, much better and her life has been transformed. Yet here’s the thing. Mentally, I am thrilled for her.  But on a visceral, gut level, ... Read More

‘God so loved the world that whoever has their life together should not perish but have eternal life’. Ridiculous, huh? And yet…how often is this exactly what we practice? As a church, our mission is to care for the broken and to point them to Christ. But what areas do we designate as ‘off limits?’  How, for example, do we tackle the issue of eating disorders? Do we even try? Yes, medical care is important.  But what about emotional, spiritual, mental support? It’s not just those fighting the disorder ... Read More

Is there such a thing as helping that hurts? Kindness that kills – not the patient, but the one giving out the care? ‘Pathological altruism’ is a phrase coined by the writer Barbara Oakley, in her book of  the same name. In it she argues that caring behaviour sometimes represents an unhealthy focus on the needs of others – to the detriment of oneself. In fact, she goes on to claim that such altruism underpins many personality disorders – including eating disorders. Oakley comments; ‘I have come to believe that, ... Read More

What’s the condition that doctors fear most? Cancer? AIDS?  According to a report by Time magazine, it’s actually this –  Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), perhaps better termed, ‘Emotional Intensity Disorder’. Marsha Linehan, one of the world’s leading experts on BPD, describes it as follows: ‘Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense ... Read More

Ever have days where you bounce from one faux pas to the next? Congratulations on your pregnancy! (I’m not). Let me just wipe that stain off your cheek – oh, it’s a spot. Jenny, meet one of our key workers – er, remind me of your name… Taxi for one please. Of course, I’ve been on the receiving end of a few as well. Although to be honest, my overriding reaction is normally relief that it’s not me digging the hole.  Saying that, a particularly fertile ground for footinmouth is the whole issue of ... Read More