When we see someone drowning, our natural instinct is to dive in.  But if we’re not careful, we can end up sinking too. That’s the nature of addiction.  Like a pebble in a pond, it ripples outwards, drawing in, not just the sufferer, but all those in its path. Addicts in particular, exert a certain ‘pull’. It’s agonising to watch – and even harder to help.  But there’s a difference between caring about someone and taking responsibility for them.  You don’t want to drown with them.  Instead, you want to ... Read More

Image: Caleb Magnino This evening I’ve giving a testimonial-talk. Ten years ago, I spoke just around the corner on the same theme. But I’m hoping that the content will have changed.  And I’m praying that the person speaking would be unrecognisable to her old self. Ten years ago I was studying at Bible college and in the grip of an eating disorder that would almost kill me.  For a while I managed to hide my obsession. I threw myself into church activities, missions and teaching.    I gave talks about the gospel and wrote ... Read More

Despair should be a scary emotion. An intruder: rattling like a cold wind through the mental living room, upsetting the furniture and knocking over the lamps.  But instead of showing it the door, I sometimes invite it in. I create space for it at the table and even seek it out. It’s a shadow – but it’s familiar and reassuring too. What’s really scary is not despair.  It’s actually Hope. With despair, you think you know what you’re getting.   It promises you safety – but this is a lie. You’re ... Read More

What did you want to be when you grew up? A deep sea diver? A lumberjack or an air hostess? A footballer’s wife? I’ve always had one ambition: to write. I even had a pen name: Emma Swanne, (emphasis on the ‘e’). Friends inked their names on tables and jotters, but I hugged mine close, like a delicious secret. It was a talisman, a promise that one day I would Make It. Authors you see, weren’t like other people. They were mysterious and powerful. Controlled and shiny and polished and clean. Warriors, wielding words and protected by ... Read More

Recovery, at least in my experience, is not like in the movies. No running, arms outstretched, into the sunset. More of an embarrassed  and painful shuffling –  forwards (and sometimes backwards, too).     An event – but also a process. First, the event: a moment, when everything changed and Christ broke into my world. A miracle, at least to me. When I was at my lowest weight,  it was like being behind a thick perspex screen: I could see people mouthing and pointing, but they were a long, long way off.  No amount of ... Read More

Burçin Esin, (click for image link) Once upon a time, there lived a couple called Glen and Emma. Glen and Emma lived in a big town but Glen had to find a job.  Glen was very worried about Emma because Emma was very sick. She didn’t want to move to the seaside town because she was frightened of meeting new people and going to a new place. But God brought them to a church full of lovely, warm-hearted Christians who looked after them and loved them and accepted them with all their issues. God brought them to a church that didn’t put ... Read More

1. if Jesus didn’t rise from the dead, then He’s dangerous as well as deluded.  He’s not a nice bloke who got a bit confused.  He’s a megalomaniac and a perpetrator of lies. His followers are to be pitied as well as despised. 2. if he didn’t rise from the dead, then He’s not the Son of God.  He’s not a Saviour. And the gospel may be a ‘good’ way to live – but it’s completely ineffectual against death.  And suffering.  And despair. And most of all, sin. 3. if Jesus ... Read More

When we, or those we love are struggling, the journey from cradle to grave can seem all too brief. At those times we see death as he is –  an intruder that, heavy-handed, smashes into our homes and hearts. But day to day, perhaps our strategy is a little less subtle. If you’re like me, you’ll try to ignore death and  with everything you’ve got. You’ll tiptoe round him and dance like this is all there is and nothing can take it from you. You’ll batten down the hatches and seek to live, furiously, intensely ... Read More

Painting at Riverview Bank, Minnesota Dear God I spotted you across the way on Sunday morning and waved, but not sure you saw me.  Sorry I couldn’t stop, but the roast was in the oven and I wanted to make the most of the sunshine: I’m sure you understand! Maybe we can put a date in for Easter when life’s a little less crazy. Anyway, hope Jesus and the rest of the crew are doing well.  As requested, here’s my monthly update – not as spotless as I’d like, but better than last month.  I know when I signed up ... Read More

The lie of addiction is this: I can stop any time I like. One day – not today of course – but soon, I’ll stop drinking.  I’ll start eating. I’ll stop binging. I’ll forsake those websites and delete those images. I’ll cut up the credit cards and walk past the bookies. When this happens, you tell yourself,  everything will return to “normal.” You’ll leave behind your old shameful self and begin afresh. Quick and painless. A new start, with no guilt, no recriminations and no consequences. Of course, this ... Read More