I really, really, really want to be.
But I’m not.
So there it is. Some days I don’t mind so much. I think about it a little, but it’s like the background music in the coffee shop. Unless you stop talking or working, you barely notice.
Other days it’s like a pain, or a punch in the stomach. A kind-of winded breathlessness. An internal ache, a sadness that won’t lift.
One red line instead of two. Nothing, it’s nothing. It’s fine.
But there’s another little voice that won’t go away. A voice that also says ‘nothing’.
You are nothing. Not a woman, not a wife, not a mum.
Your recovery was for nothing. Healthy BMI – but broken bowels. Broken ovaries. Broken relationships, broken body, broken dreams.
The future – is nothing. No grandkids, no nappies, no first steps.
And it’s all your own fault.
So suck it up, Scrivener. Suck it up.
My hope. My life.
The purpose of the universe. The arms of creation, wrapped around me. The Man who takes my guilt and nails it, quivering, to the Cross. Who sees everything I’ve ever done and understands why. Who has come to give me life – life in all its fulness.
One of my best friends has been single for many years. She says this: ‘Sometimes I just long to be held. To know that I’m loved and special. To meet someone I can share my life with, my secrets, the things that make me laugh. I don’t know if that will ever happen. It hurts that I may never marry, never even date. I long to meet someone.
..But if I don’t, it’s okay.
I have Christ and He has me. That’s real life – and I know it, even when everything seems lost’.
Another friend recently buried her husband. They took early retirement and planned to finally travel and do all the things they’d dreamed about together. Then he got cancer. In a matter of weeks, everything changed. She’s lost the love of her life. But despite it all, she says she’s okay. She has Christ and Christ has her.
I’d love to have children. It really hurts that I don’t.
But even if it never happens, it’s okay. Why? Because I have Christ and He has me. That’s life. HE is life.