Next week we’ve got a Fertility appointment and I don’t think I can do it.
Sorry – there’ve been a lot of ‘I can’t do it’ posts recently – but this underpins a lot.
We’ve been told we won’t conceive naturally, if at all. Both of us got issues and they’re not easy to fix.
It’s not the end of the world – but it is very, very hard. For the man as much as the woman – no matter how strong they might seem.
Baby stuff gets to the core of who you are – your body and sexuality and hopes and heart. The soft underbelly you don’t normally show. No-one wants to invite strangers into their bedroom, (well ok, some do – but that’s erm – a different post).
Plus, there’s hospitals. I Hate hospitals. At the height of my anorexia, they merged into a terrifying blur of ECGs, weigh-ins, blood tests, scary hospital food and disapproving nurses. I thought I’d kissed ’em goodbye when I started getting better, but then my bowels packed in and I discovered the Digestive Diseases Unit. Colonoscopies and enemas. (Good-looking) male doctors prodding me in places where even a husband fears to go. Plus, those terrible see-through nighties that don’t tie properly.
Never again, quoth I. My bits are my own.
But that’s not true – in experience or in principle.
My bits aren’t my own. I’m not in charge – over my life or my body. (Just as well, as experience shows I can’t be trusted with either).
I might not feel like a woman, but that’s what Jesus has made me – and it’s what I am – even if I don’t cross all the lady boxes.
Whether it’s bowels or ovaries, heart, soul or bones – ain’t no part of us over which Jesus doesn’t say ‘this is mine’. But whilst I agree it’s true for Other People: can the gospel also be true for me? Am I really his daughter – loved, accepted, forgiven and already whole?
If so, why do I feel so broken? Perhaps because He is God of the barren, as well as the fertile.
Lord of the wasteland as well as the open spaces.
And maybe this is the only way I’ll finally get it – when I open my trembling fist and hand my fears and my idols and my dreams to Jesus. ‘Take them Lord. And please, be gentle’.
Because He is
He won’t crush us.
He’ll take our broken pieces and he’ll bind them together. He’ll hold together in His palm, what has been ripped apart.
Whatever we face – He’s with us.
Nothing… neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth,
nor infertility nor singleness nor loss nor addiction, nor sickness nor sadness nor madness nor anything else in all creation
will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Roms 8:39)
Jesus is not just enough. He is Everything.