The last time I felt connected to my body was when I was 12. Running through the garden, a glorious, uncomplicated synchronicity of thoughts and limbs.
When I was 13, that changed. I became – self-conscious. My body, once an ally, became alien instead. It sprouted and bled and wouldn’t do what it was told. It shouted when I wanted it to be silent and threatened to erupt when I longed to blend in. Anorexia was partly a reaction to this: a slap to the sexuality I didn’t want and a path back to the security and invincibility of childhood.
Coming out of anorexia has forced me to think again about my body. The things I took for granted. Digestion, healthy bones, fertility. For a long time I wanted to stay like a child. Now I want to be a grown-up…but perhaps too late.
Has any culture been more obsessed by the body? Or more dissatisfied with its natural form?
Waxed and carved. Sprayed, splayed and displayed. A siren to draw people in – and a scarecrow to keep them at bay.
Keep off. Don’t touch. Look at me: don’t you want a piece of this? If you like it, maybe I will too.
A barrier. A shop-window. Flesh as a weapon: whether I make myself big or shrink myself small.
A symbol. A invitation. A threat. Anything but what it really is:
a gift. Beautiful, redeemed and made for glory.
‘Christ will transform our lowly bodies so they will be like His glorious body’. Phil 3:21.
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a gift. Beautiful, redeemed and made for glory.
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Exactly. Why is it so horribly hard to belive though?
Good question – what do you think?
I guess post Fall we don’t see ourselves as we should – along with everything else our bodies (and creation itself) experiences shame and pain and separation and death. Culturally, we can’t cure death -but if we age less quickly we can maybe forget it’s there. And if everything is relative then nothing is of value except what is physical. Maybe.
But personally I think it’s that I want to be God. So I look to my body instead of His – I punish it and worship it at the same time and ask it to bear a divine weight which crushes it instead.
wow. Making me think – not fair, Emma ;)
All of the above I think. But what you just said about wanting to be God resonates most with me. I can’t live up to the ridiculous standards I set myself, and so I hide the turmoil of that with food. Hmm.
Thanks again for a really thoughtful post, lovely.