Part of me says: Come on girl, what makes you different to other people? The ones that sleep and eat and work and laugh and live. The ones who deserve the good things. Who earn their Grace. Stop thinking you’re special and step up to the mark. Perform or get off.
But then, I go haring off in the opposite direction: Actually I am special. The rules that apply to everybody else – they don’t apply to me. My body’s superhuman. My addictions are under control. My brain’s got everything covered: so back off God and back off people.
I can argue both ways, even within the same train of thought! I’m so bad I’m beyond rescue and I’m too good to need rescuing.
I’ve got a barrage of excuses to keep me sealed off from other people. But the longer I listen, the less convinced I become.
I don’t want to be a burden.
That fantasy ended when you burst, bloodied and gasping for air, onto planet earth.
I’m second-rate. Not like my brother/friends/workmates/ old ‘skinny/beautiful/funny/carefree/innocent/intelligent’ self.
You’ve been created unique – and there is something about ‘you’ that cannot be replicated. Enough comparing.
Being needy is wrong
It’s not. We were made to need food and drink and air and affection. We are needy people – another way of saying it is ‘we live by faith’. Dependence is a wonderful part of our humanity. What’s inhuman, is trying to do life alone.