Hot Rocks and Me-Time

love selfEver feel like a pile of poo? Something  people need to step over or, gagging, scoop out of sight.

That sense that you’re not okay and that unless you fix it, other people will realise too.

So what do you do with it – the knowledge that you’re a shameful fraud – moments away from discovery? You can put on a mask for others.  But what about yourself?  How do you tell yourself you’re okay?

Seems like there’s a number of options.

1. Learn to love yourself.  If hot rocks, me-time and positive thinking doesn’t work,  there’s always the rebrand.  Instead of being selfishness I am now ‘ambitious’, ‘passionate’  instead of angry, ‘prudent’ instead of mean and ‘realistic’ rather than grumpy. What’s not to love? And if other people don’t like it, then they’re jealous, small-minded and need to be culled from the friend/husband/family list. Stuff ’em and go give yourself a Me-hug.

2. Change yourself.   If you don’t like yourself, then make a new one.  Whiten your teeth.  Learn Swedish. Detox. Join a book group. Take up salsa. Volunteer. Whatever works. And if it doesn’t, then just try something new: after all, you got a lifetime to hit upon the right formula.

3. Think about the stuff you’re good at.  Ironing.  Quad-biking. Cooking.  Peeling dead skin off your sunburnt friends.  Breathing.  Add up your achievements and give yourself a big high-five.

4. Compare yourself to Hitler.

5. Give yourself a Guilt-trip.  Every time you feel bad, think about the folks with 24 children and rabies.  You don’t have 24 children.  And you’re not foaming at the mouth.  So shut up and count those blessings.

I have to say, these aren’t really working for me.

There’s a limited number of times I can big up my skills with a hoover. I’m not Hitler, but I’m not Mother Teresa either.  And I feel bad about feeling bad – but not enough to make a change. I’ve tried – but inside, I always stay the same.

So.

24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? 25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

12-14 So don’t you see that we don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

(Rom 7:24-5, Rom 8:12-14, The Message)

 

 

4 thoughts on “Hot Rocks and Me-Time

  1. Totally agree with everything you say.

    When I’m low I’m a droopy pile on the floor.

    Why would anyone want to spend time with me. Push them away before they have the hassle of you.

    Why would anyone entrust anything beyond a tea pot to serve my church community, and even that isn’t good enough when you don’t feel like making small talk and plastering on your smiley face.

    Why are you here and what is the point, when bed is the best place and you can’t be your competent and efficient self in the workplace.

    And when you hide yourself from the world, you just repeat to yourself how useless and a failure you are, all those dreams of changing the world gone, you can’t even run your own life as properly as other ‘grown ups’.

    Self nurturing sticks a plaster on how you see yourself for a while.

    You haven’t the energy to change yourself, you haven’t the energy to just keep on top of the laundry!!

    The lower you get, the less you see anything you are good at, and anything you’re good at is just the stuff everyone does, I mean everyone can cook can’t they…

    You forget anyone bad to compare yourself to, you just remember all those superwomen around you.

    And then you beat yourself up cos other people manage to be low and still run a household of 3 kids and a busy GP husband!! Or you read a book about someone’s experience of depression and feel a fraud even at that, I mean, I wasn’t sectioned in a psych hospital for months and sent to group therapy.

    I guess all I can pray, is “Jesus walk with me.”

  2. Although it wouldn’t work at a verylowmo, I can’t help but like no.4! Never thought to do that one before so, thanks for the wonderfully random idea! Never know…. I might remember it and smile when the self hate hits.

    Most of all though, I hope to be able to remind myself of Paul’s words. Somehow though, it is one of those things that I often can’t quite grasp when I feel desperate. I feel guilty that this is the case, but it feels worse to pretend otherwise.

    He says that He’ll give a’new heart’. I’m kind of holding out for a new head too.

    Hope you’re doing okay Emma

    WS

  3. Littlemisshugs – yes, He hears that prayer and He does walk with us – and this, His presence is the only thing that can silence those voices.

    Wonderingsoul – I hear you. Often my head and heart feel cold too. But when they do, like the Psalmist, I try and warm them up – by remembering the truths of the Bible, the people who have gone ahead of us (and are cheering us on), and the ways that the Lord has been faithful in the past.I can’t help thinking, these struggles are part of what it means to have faith and to be led into dependence on God. But it feels rotten – and without others encouraging us, I think we’d all stumble.

  4. dear emma,
    i think you have an amazing gift and talent for being yourself, being real and being wise. in my church i, too, am just trying to be real about food issues and women who love jesus. i laughed out loud at your post today. thank you. jenny

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