At university I had to confess to my tutor (a world expert in linguistics), that I had no idea what a noun was. Turns out it’s a Naming (and in my case, Shaming) word. In my defense, I’m Northern Irish, so a.) English is a second tongue and b.) my accent precludes the use of consonants. Where I come from, power shower = Parrrrrrarrrrrrrr Shaaaaaaarrrrr. Mirror = Murrrrrrrrr. And Brown Cow is a verbal impossibility.
But before you say it let me cut you off.
You can’t do an Irish accent. The people who said you could are LYING to you and are probably not even your friends.
Even if you Think you can, I don’t want to hear it. It is okay for me to make fun of my accent (in the same way as it is ok to me to make fun of my family), but if you do it I WILL FIND YOU.
Anyway. Language abuse. Here’s a few favourites:
- Going or being taken on a ‘Journey’. A journey is the 3.45 from Manchester to Euston. Recording an album, entering a competition, being ‘made-over’… experience, yes. Journey, no. All the dried ice in Vegas will not change this. (On a very small side note I have a horrible feeling the blurb of my book talks about a journey. Sorry.)
- ‘Breath-taking’ eg; home improvements. Are they? Are they? Look me in the eye Kirsty and tell me that the wallpaper has literally caused you to stop breathing.
- ‘Undiscovered paradise’. Which is why I’m watching it on prime-time TV.
- ‘Ground-breaking’. Discovery of penicillin, tick. Lipstick technology, not so much.
- ‘Defining moment’. You’ve had hundreds and you’re only sixteen.
- ‘Indescribable’. Followed by a description.
- ‘The game is all in the mind’. Which is why they’re racing around after a football.
- ‘You haven’t seen the last of me’. Reality show evictee.
- ‘Slammed’ and ‘blasted’. Applies to doors and explosives – not MPs and policies.
- Love rat, love nest, sex romp. As in ‘Love Rat Steve took Blonde Stunna Back To Love Nest for Sex Romp’. I’m poring over every word – and I am Outraged, Disgusted and Offended.
What have I missed?