Do real Christians feel the way I sometimes do? Scared and confused and ashamed and – lost? Do they pray and wonder: is He listening? Does He care? Am I dialling the right number? Saying the right words? Am I doing the right things? Or even in the right place?
Sometimes I wonder – have other Christians got a relationship with Jesus that is better than mine? Solid and convincing and – proper. I don’t love Him – not like I want to. I love the cosy bits of church. I love nice psalms and rousing choruses. I love the Bible stories I learnt as a child. But do I love Him? Is this pathetic, flickering, wobbling reaching out – faith?
I look at myself and I despair. But perhaps that’s the problem.
Because it’s not about me and what I do. It’s about Him and what He has already done.
Am I a Christian? Sometimes, everything in me says no. But in my weakness and my trembling and my doubt… I look to Jesus. And He says “Yes.” More than this, Jesus is God’s “Yes”, come into the world for broken folks, exactly like me.
My Christianity is not up to me – Thank God, it’s up to Him. And He is enough.