But then the practice of believing it is so much harder?
That’s been today.
We were scheduled to start IVF after 10 years childless and more than a year of waiting. I’ve been my normal relaxed self, (wired to the moon with nerves and crossing off the days till finally, something starts). Injections or nasal sprays or whatever – anything to start the baby process. Today was that day.
Except it wasn’t.
I sat in the hospital, papers signed, looking at the meds they’d prepared to start the journey. Took out my calendar with the schedule marked out.
Then packed them away as they said we’d have to suspend treatment.
An ultrasound has shown up some problems, which means until we work out what’s happening, we can’t go ahead. In the grand scheme of life it’s not a big thing. But in the world of Emma Scrivener, it’s been a setback.
This is not what I planned. It’s not what was meant to happen. I’m gutted. And upset and leaking faith.
Sitting with Glen, I asked quietly: ‘Do you think God wants us to have children?’
He said, ‘I don’t know honey but He’s good either way.’
And then, in my tiniest voice : ‘But why is this happening? Are you sure God is there?’
Silence. A snort.
‘Struggles with childlessness? Pain in childbearing? That’s the whole Bible! If anything, this is proof He is there!’
I’m not happy about it. But I see his point.