1. Have wild horses stopped anyone, ever, from doing something?
2. Why do sleeping dogs get to lie? What about cats who’ve worked the night shift? Or hamsters, knackered after endless circuits on those bloomin’ wheels? Similarly, spring chickens. What if you’re an autumn turkey? You might as well be dead.
3. Have you ever been touched by a barge-pole – let alone touched anything with it?
4. If he really is the last bloke on earth, you’re not in a position to be choosy love.
5. Apples and pears – stairs. Why not melons and guavas – palavers? Gojis and mangos – quangos? It’s the 21st century peoples. There’s no room for fruit discrimination. Similarly humble pie. Humility is dry enough without adding a layer of shortcrust. Put it in a smoothie and neck the beast.
6. Horses for courses. What does this even MEAN?
7. Blood is the same consistency as water.
8. Why don’t we give people we like hot shoulders? See also cold turkey. I’d like mine room temp.
9. Have you ever bitten a bullets, kicked a bucket or shaken a stick? Really?
10. Before 9am, both sides of the bed are wrong. And finally:
11. Beggars can be choosers. I offered one a tuna sarnie and he said he preferred chicken.