Caught and Carried

birdToday has been a really horrible day.  We’re coming to the end of IVF round three but the drugs seem to have stopped working.  We don’t know why. If there’s no change in the next few days, the cycle will be cancelled.

‘I’m sorry’, says Glen. ‘It still might work.  There are other options and this does not define us’.  I look at him and I’m crying and I say It might not define you but it defines me.  And I don’t want it to, and I know it’s wrong but I don’t know what I’m for.  I’m swollen with hormones and sadness and the injections aren’t working and my to-do lists aren’t working and  in the middle of it all there’s this hole and it’s bigger than me and it’s bigger than us and sometimes I think it’s bigger than God.  And a baby won’t fill it – but I don’t know what else to put there.

We pray. I want to have faith and I want to know Jesus – but not like this.  The weakness and clinging and dependence.  We’re in a cafe and it’s warm and loud and it doesn’t match up. I wonder what’s real. I want someone to make this better.

I go outside and call my mum.  ‘I’m sorry love,’  she says. I try not to cry.

‘Thanks’.

I watch the birds,  swooping and falling in slow-motion overhead. I feel like I’m falling too. I’m scared of going back to the place I went when it failed last time.  I’m scared of being swallowed by sadness.  I’m scared of everything being out of control and nothing to hold onto.

I hear my mum, taking a breath: ‘Whatever happens love, God knows best’.

Mum and I don’t talk much about God. I don’t expect it. But her words catch me, mid-flight.

If the drugs don’t work.  If the eggs don’t fertilise.  If there a very, very tiny baby that doesn’t make it very far.  If there’s no baby at all. God knows best.

We pray and we trust and when we can’t trust and we can’t pray, we’re carried.  Sometimes by the people we don’t expect.  Always by the Lord who loves His children.

 

 

13 thoughts on “Caught and Carried

  1. Hi…just to say we know how it feels to be on the Fertility bandwagon. it is your whole world right now so hang in there while you are on this rollercoaster. but there is also another world off the rollercoaster and whatever happens you will feel better than this..really..you will …God is with you even though you cant see it and He is bigger than any of it…but you have to feel this helpless for a bit. Try and take control of what you can meantime..even just choosing what you do read or watch on tv or eat…praying you will feel His Arms x

  2. Ahh… I do feel for you both so deeply.

    We are here if there is anything we can do — or if you just want to be somewhere / with someone, without anything being said.

    Much love.

  3. So sorry. Anything i try to write will sound trite. But know that people care what happens to you. And will carry you in prayer. Xx

  4. ..apparently that is the burden of the Gospel…that at your point of maximum pain or hurt or anguish, Jesus is there having drawn near to you, but i bet like all of us, the pain feels far nearer to you than Jesus? Maybe i should not have attempted to write this, as you have already concurred with this one.

  5. Yes, we do care very much what happens to you guys, and sometimes it is maybe hard to fully communicate that over the internet – but it Is true – and we are holding you up in prayer and in love, xxxx somehow you are not alone…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *