You know those days when your head’s too big for your body? There are too many thoughts open and they won’t shut down in fact, they’re breeding. There’s a tiny speaker in your ear saying ‘EMERGENCY: EVACUATE’ except wait, it’s your brain so you can’t get out.
Well, that was Saturday.
We had a follow-up appointment at the fertility clinic which admittedly, was not a great start. But I kept myself busy, (cleaned the fork drawer, took the stickers off the mandarin oranges, separated the almonds from the pistachios and made a suit for Glen’s banana, using sellotape and newspaper). When even banana-man didn’t work, I prayed.
The appointment came and went. It was mainly a post-mortem for the last cycle. ‘Fine’ I said to the consultant, ‘that’s fine’.
Glen and I had a coffee together. ‘I’m fine’ I said. And ‘see you back at home, I’ll just pick up some milk.’
Three hours later I was still circling the shops. My phone rang. ‘We don’t need milk’ said Glen. ‘Come home’.
I went home. Tried to talk but couldn’t. Went upstairs and just sat on the top step. That’s where Glen discovered me but I couldn’t explain because everything was heavy and messy and stuck. So he brought some paper and I wrote words for all the things. Not joined up, or organised. Just my head tipping out onto the page.
PEOPLE I LOVE …
I wrote about 20 different words. Each one meant something bigger that wouldn’t unravel.
I could hear Glen ripping paper but I was too tired to stop him, (plus I wasn’t speaking which made it tricky). Then he disappeared and came back with an envelope.
On it he wrote: ‘OUR FATHER WHO LOVES US AND HOLDS THE FUTURE.’
I looked at him and my fingers curled round the words. But, one by one, I let them go.
As we read them aloud, we asked God to take them. Then, I dropped them in the envelope. (Some stuck to my fingers, so we needed to pray a bit more).
Afterwards I still felt rubbish. But the heaviness wasn’t quite so heavy and some of the brain programmes had closed. I could speak. And that was a start.
‘Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.’ 1 Peter 5:7