Here’s what they said:
when you can’t sleep but you can’t be awake, you can’t be home but not with friends either.
thinking I should sort it myself because that’s what other people do.
having to ask for help when it goes completely against your nature.
when I’m stressed, when other people are hurting and I can’t make it better
feeling like I have to show people around me who God is. But worrying that by seeing me they get the wrong impression of Christians.
the unpredictability of depression
I don’t know how to listen to my body any more and it feels like it’s not mine
when I can’t get something right
when I’m given too much freedom and trust which I can’t handle and I need to clean myself up and start over, in order to be good enough
never being ‘sick enough’ to feel worthy of getting better and therefore hurting the people who love me by always staying sick
being totally misunderstood but not being able to speak what’s true
I’m ashamed that I’m not normal
the lies that started with food and spread to every area
I have to be perfect but I can’t
not knowing when I need to sort myself out and when to get medical help
maybe God forgives me but I can’t forgive myself
feeling the same things and making the same mistakes but I don’t know how to stop it
it’s hard to see the difference between me and the illness
feeling obliged to exercise/count things/wash
being isolated and trapped in my own stupid head
shame and self-disgust
related behaviours eg; stealing food from flatmates, drinking too much
I worry I have no direction and purpose
frustration: change needs to come from me, but how do I do it?
worrying I’m a fraud
the guilt of hurting people I love
feeling weird and like a freak
always being frightened
worrying that it’s only me who feels like this.
Many of these struggles are mine. Maybe they’re yours too. But our struggles are not who we are.
I don’t believe that there’s a line between ‘normal’ and ‘struggling’.
I don’t believe in any sickness or sadness or shame that can keep us in the dark.
I believe in a God who works through, and not despite our brokenness.
and a church that embraces the broken and the lost.
I believe in hope, even when I don’t feel it
I believe in the future, even when I can’t see it.
Most of all,
I believe in a Saviour who comes for those who can’t save themselves.