3. letting people down.
6. unconsciously committing The Unforgivable Sin. (This one, not so much since chatting it through with Glen and others. But still…)
7. eating disorders.
8. seeing people I love hurting and not being able to make it better.
9. having too much or having too little.
11. being laughed at.
12. being taken seriously.
14. expectations (other people’s and my own).
16. being hungry.
18. having no choice about being alone.
20. the possibility that the world is like a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
All these things bother me. But some are bigger than others. Usually there’s one that’s triggered them all (and it’s rarely wasps).
So how do I cope? Often, I hide from them or obsess about things I can control. Food, body, cleaning, work. This helps, for a time. But the rituals become more intricate, the lists longer and the mess more unmanageable. The things I use to fight my fear only add to it. And when I come full circle, it’s then that I stop running.
So finally, I look at the One Thing. The Big Fear that’s triggering all the rest. I speak it out – to friends and to God. And I’m still scared. But I’m not on my own. And that’s a start.