1. giving birth and having responsibility for/screwing up another human being.
2. depression.
3. letting people down.
4. exposure.
5. January.
6. unconsciously committing The Unforgivable Sin. (This one, not so much since chatting it through with Glen and others. But still…)
7. eating disorders.
8. seeing people I love hurting and not being able to make it better.
9. having too much or having too little.
10. wasps.
11. being laughed at.
12. being taken seriously.
13. clowns.
14. expectations (other people’s and my own).
15. 3am.
16. being hungry.
17. Ebola.
18. having no choice about being alone.
19. Hell.
20. the possibility that the world is like a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
All these things bother me. But some are bigger than others. Usually there’s one that’s triggered them all (and it’s rarely wasps).
So how do I cope? Often, I hide from them or obsess about things I can control. Food, body, cleaning, work. This helps, for a time. But the rituals become more intricate, the lists longer and the mess more unmanageable. The things I use to fight my fear only add to it. And when I come full circle, it’s then that I stop running.
So finally, I look at the One Thing. The Big Fear that’s triggering all the rest. I speak it out – to friends and to God. And I’m still scared. But I’m not on my own. And that’s a start.
*hugs*
A lot of these are on my own list too. I thought I was the only one who feared 3am! And number 6 too (what have you learn about this one? I would love to hear it.) :)
Thank you for posting this! “The Big Fear that’s triggering all the rest.” It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve admitted to what I’ve always known deep down inside, to what Larry Crabb calls “core terror.” And, terror is not too strong a word! The movie Gravity gave a good picture to how I often feel and am desperate to keep at bay with all my “fix-it strategies”: the terror of feeling all alone, tumbling through space, wondering if anyone hears or sees me. Well. The good news is, The Lord DOES hear and see me (and has taken that tumbling journey of feeling abandoned in the outer darkness for me), regardless of how fearful I am, and how little I seem to believe it. For quite some time now, most of my prayers have begun with telling our Father how afraid I am. Just as you posted above, a list of what you fear, (maybe a prayer in itself?), I figure it’s good to tell the Father, even though He knows it. What surprises me is how so many others seem reluctant to admit they have such fear. I’ve often felt a bit of a freak and ashamed that I’m so terrified. So, thanks for “speaking it out” Your blog post and my husband’s voice of truth-telling help me see that I’m not alone. I long for the days when I, when all of us, know more of that Perfect Love that casts out fear. I’m so grateful to be learning about This God, who before ever there was a world, was being a Father loving His Son, and preparing to shower the same love on us. My head knows it; my heart is slow to follow. But this is my prayer for the next year and always: that you, me, and all of your lovely readers will trust more fully this wonderful, relational, Father-Loving-His-Son God! So, with that hope, Happy New Year, Emma! Loving and praying for you, Glen, and Baby :-).