Not Enough

not enoughToday

I planned to write a blog.

I planned to do some washing.

I planned to read the Bible and have a good pray.

I planned to phone a friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time.

 

I planned to send an (overdue) birthday card

I planned to pay the bills and phone the dentist and reply to email and wash my hair and de-flea the cats and buy milk and take the recycling.

Mondays can be overwhelming – and in my head, these were the benchmarks that would make the day (and me) worthwhile.

But

The cats are still scratching. The washing is gently steaming (and not in a fresh way). The birthday card is unwritten, the prayer time snatched, the bills still outstanding. I’d offer you a cuppa – but we’re still out of milk.

There are two words humming in my head: “Not enough.”  Whatever I’ve done, whatever I do – it’s just not enough.

Where do we go with days like today?  Weeks, months, years – when, no matter how fast we run, we fall short?

We can beat ourselves up. “I’m rubbish.  Other people have it together.  But not me. I may as well stay in bed.  I may as well give up.”

We can make excuses. “I’m tired.  It’s been a long week.  Why do I have to do the cleaning?  It’s not fair. It’s not right.”

We can throw in the towel. “It’s no use.  Whatever I do is never enough.  I may as well stop trying.”

We can try harder. “Tomorrow will be different.  I’ll set the alarm.  I’ll tick off the list.”

Or…

We can follow the “Not enough” thought a little further. Because actually we’ve diagnosed the problem a little lightly, haven’t we? I’m not just an inadequate housewife. My notenoughness goes deeper than the unmade beds.

I can’t save my household from mess, but nor can I scrub my soul.

I can’t serve up the perfect dinner, but nor can I satisfy my deepest longings.

I wasn’t the thoughtful friend I wanted to be today, but, more fundamentally, my sin keeps me from true connection.

I didn’t stave off tooth decay this week – but I can never stave off death.

I didn’t have a text-book “quiet time” this morning, but actually there’s nothing in me that belongs in God’s presence.

I’m not just “not enough”. Nothing in me recommends me to God – not my “spiritual disciplines” or my “holiness” or my spotless sheets. The problem isn’t that I don’t measure up to these standards, it’s thinking that  these “standards” make me ok with God.

My standing in heaven has never been about those things. It’s always been about Jesus. And today…

HE is my cleanliness

HE is my satisfaction

HE is my mediator

HE is my salvation

HE is my relationship with God.

And that’s more than enough.

7 thoughts on “Not Enough

  1. So needed this right now. I’m MEANT to be contributing Useful Things to the UN. I’m meant to be making sure my hubbie has a shirt that’s seen an iron in the last year. I’m meant to be making Isaac something healthy and nutritious and even vaguely tasty.And it’s not happening.
    And that’s ok. Because I don’t have to score points with God. I can just be tired and broken and mourning and angry. And he welcomes me. Awesome reminder, thanks chick.

  2. Thanks Emma, this is really helpful. I was thinking yesterday that by legalistic standards I should have felt really good – I’d ticked things off the list, including even reading the Bible with an unbeliever. But of course, on those days I won’t feel I’ve done enough either, because I never can do enough! So remembering that at the start of each day will help me NOT to try to earn my place as God’s beloved child. It never leads to satisfaction, whether you achieve your goals or not. Much love to you xx (p.s. I can’t believe you have cats! People are enough to look after!)

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