Glen and I waffling about my new book, (part of a series called The Evangelist’s Podcast, where he interviews folks about their faith).
Plus bonus material on the antibacterial merits of garlic.
A New Day: Emma Scrivener – TEP155
Caught it, loved it – Mr Scrivener’s completely! unbiased! review was ace ;-)
But seriously, I’ve to admit some parts were a bit raw (not triggering, just raw, because I have Issues) – like the self-harm reference part. I, too, thought it was a teenage thing that I had outgrown without encountering until it happened to me at 20. I still can’t put it exactly into words, but for me it was like letting out the air from a carbonated bottle of soda – all these emotions threatening to explode, but being too afraid to express them because they weren’t the most positive ones. Eg fear, inadequacy, disappointment among others. I suppose, it was a mix of self-punishment for all these ‘bad’ feelings/situations that caused them, and also to relieve that emotional tension *somehow*. I didn’t doubt God loved me, I just hated my own inadequacies A Lot.
I’m seizing the opportunity with this (pseudo) anonymity to say the first and only time I harmed on my wrist, I got caught so I’ve always done it on more covered up spaces since – putting it out there to dispel the myth about attention. Reality was that all I felt (& sometimes still feel!) is a triple dose of thick, drippy, & murky shame – while depression & anxiety are commonly influenced by External Factors, self-harm has a very high human agency – arguably one could always put that blade (or bottle/lighter/matchstick/whatever) down, but didn’t, or chose not to, which resulted in An Episode.
I won’t even say I’m fully okay – definitely thankfully heaps better, with multiple factors to thank (yay everyone & everything that’s helped), but there are still parts of it that I know I haven’t given up. No blades? Bite lips for hours. (In my defence, that happened/happens bcos #intenseanxiety! But still.) It’s been more than a year & a half since my last episode but I’m still keeping them blades somewhere, *just in case* .. yikes.
What made me stop? I definitely believe the impulses were reduced (yay church, yay gospel), but what remained was undeniably channeled elsewhere (social anxiety: STOP BREATHING MY AIR, I CAN’T BREATHE BCOS PEOPLE ARE BREATHING MY AIR) But practically, the self-injury scabs itch the day after, which is The Worst ever & that’s a real physical reminder of what Regret is. Also, it burns in the shower. So while I wish I had a gospel-centred realization, it was more like, #practicality – typing this makes me realise I haven’t talked about this in such detail for a long time …
I smiled (at my phone – thankfully I was alone when listening) at the part about not being treated as a charity case :-) :-) It’s also why I always tell my friends, after I share this part of myself when I do, that I’m still the same person – stuff they liked will always remain, stuff less pleasant about me would have emerged elsewhere with time anyway.
Lastly, I often tell my mom that if I had to live alone, I’d probably never leave the house because I can never find my keys. So, er, key-losing is not a unique phenomenon heh.
Mumbled on a bit, but there we go – hiding in hole *now* because I’ve just been very openly, very embarrassing .. thankfully (pseudo) anonymity helps, ha. Did not embarrass myself for nothing, so I hope this helps someone ..! <3 xxx
Thank you for sharing sister. xxx
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A New Name by Emma Scrivener