Tough Love

By July 29, 2012 Blog, identity

What’s harder to deal with: kindness – or cruelty? The answer seems obvious.  Everyone likes getting gifts. And no-one likes being treated badly. Given the choice between encouragement or criticism, we’d all opt for encouragement. It would be crazy not to. …Right? So why is it that kindness can be the thing that breaks us? It makes us weep. More than onions or bad news. Devastating, undeserved kindness. The sort that I’m struggling to process right now.   For years …Read More

Good Enough Never Is

By July 18, 2012 Blog, identity

If Perfectionism were a person, I’d slap her.  I’d flush her head down the toilet and muss up her hair and squirt ketchup in her eyes.  I’d scuff her shoes and force  her to return  her library books late. I’d make her walk on cracks and eat spaghetti with her fingers and colour outside the lines until she finally promised to Just Stop Trying. To Get It Wrong.  And to stop ruining my life. Ms P and I have grown …Read More

Coming Out

By July 13, 2012 Blog, identity

My book – A New Name, is published a week today. It’s been a year in the writing and is my life story to date. It’s the story of a girl with an eating disorder. And how she tried to make her life work. It’s about what drives a person to starve themselves to death – as a teenager and then again as an adult. It’s about wanting to fit in and wanting to stand out. About  hungers that feel too big …Read More

I’m A Fraud

By July 11, 2012 Blog, identity

Yep, you heard me. A stinking, horrible, miserable fraud. I’ve always felt it.  There’s something in me – something bad – that needs to be covered up. I can’t  tell you what it is – I don’t know myself. But in the silence – when the TV’s off and I’m in between tasks –  it whispers to me. When I wake in the night and it’s dark and the world is asleep, it shouts.  It reminds me that if people …Read More

Love Is Not Enough

By June 28, 2012 Blog, identity

Little words have the power to build us up or to blow us apart. Yesterday a friend was telling me about how her life was shaped by something her mum told her; ‘I love you, but I don’t like you’. Those words weren’t spoken maliciously or with any intention to harm. But they were verbal grenades – and left a legacy of exhaustion, depression and self-hatred. … So often, this is how I think about Jesus. He loves me, but …Read More

Good Coach, Bad Coach

By June 27, 2012 Blog, identity

Our thoughts are powerful.  They change our behaviours and they change our realities too. For example: I believe myself to be boring or unattractive. When I meet people, I remind myself of this. I imagine that they are judging me: that they think I’m stupid or worthless or ugly. My body language reflects my feelings.  I try to cover myself up.  I don’t make eye-contact.  I mumble. I try to hide and escape. Other people see me hiding and quivering.  They …Read More

Stuff “Self-Improvement”

By June 21, 2012 Blog, identity

‘I’m not as bad as I used to be’. That’s my rallying cry: especially when I’m feeling low or caught doing something I’m ashamed of. I’m not perfect – but I must be getting ‘better’ – otherwise, I may as well give up now.  If I’m not improving in some way, then what’s the point? As a Christian I reckon I’m meant to be getting progressively holier – but this isn’t just for religious folks. Whether you’re a church-goer or …Read More

Dying to be Free

By June 18, 2012 Blog, identity

Freedom is a little word – with a whole lotta  punch. In theory at least, it sounds and looks good. Who wouldn’t want to be free? Who in their right mind would willingly choose slavery – whether to habits or behaviours or substances or ways of thinking? Well, I did – until God stepped in. I nearly killed myself – but I was convinced it was in my best interests. I starved myself to the point where my hair fell out, …Read More

Lentils or Death

By June 12, 2012 Blog, identity

This morning we were reading about Jacob and Esau. They’re twins – but not identical. Esau (the eldest) is all man, big and hairy and sweaty and meaty, whilst Jacob likes cooking and his mum. However, beneath Jacob’s frilly exterior lurks a big old conniving brain.  He might be the youngest, but he’s determined to get his hands on his brother’s inheritance.  So he hatches up a plan to buy it from his brother. An inheritance is no small thing. …Read More

Safe in the Storm

By June 8, 2012 Blog, identity

This week I forgot the gospel. Instead, I listened to old lies: I’m brilliant. I’m terrible.  Everything is too much. I can do it all myself. I went back to old idols: I went  to bed instead of facing all my feelings. Then I leapt up and tried to prove I was worthwhile. Then my head exploded under the weight of expectation and I retreated back to bed. And then up I popped till it started again… zero to hero, …Read More