Two Kinds of Fast

By March 11, 2014 Blog

Lent is traditionally the season of abstinence.  We ask each other, ‘what are you giving up?’ But the real question is this: ‘who are you giving it up for?’   I say this as someone who’s very good at self-will and saying ‘no’. But I’m learning there’s a world of difference between fasting for the Lord and fasting for yourself.   Both look religious, but are centered round very different gods. One is Jesus.  One is me. If you’re not …Read More

Body Art

By December 10, 2013 Blog

Many of us don’t know who we are.   And we’ll go to great lengths to create a self we can recognise. Anorexia is a case in point.  You might be confused about your identity and where you fit – but here’s the thing – you can always be thin. A lie, of course: you can starve yourself into the grave and it won’t be enough.  But it gives you a sense of purpose. And a negative self-image can seem …Read More

Loving The Bruised

By November 21, 2013 Blog

Following yesterday’s post, I’ve been thinking about ways that churches can help those who are struggling.  Here’s a few –  and I’d love to hear yours: Expect that folks in your congregation struggle. They’re human and that means there’ll be eating disorders, self-harm , abuse, addictions and all the other bits and pieces of normal fallen humanity.  (This is what we believe, right?) So.. Model weakness yourself: Obviously be wise about what you share, but beware of a leadership model …Read More

Dear Body

By October 1, 2013 Blog

Dear Body, I’m sorry I’ve hated you for such a long time. I’m sorry I tried to starve out your strength. I’m sorry for saying you were ugly when you were always beautiful.  For making you my god – and calling you my shame. I’m sorry for all the years I’ve put you down.  Baggy brain, empty womb, broken bowels. Telling you, you’re weak – when you were always strong. Telling you, you’re strong  – when you were very weak. How …Read More

Change Your Hair: Change Your Life

By June 14, 2013 Blog

Dear Cosmogue, For the last few months I’ve read with interest your features on celebrities losing weight, making-over my home and starting my own cupcake business. For the first time, I feel ready to Enjoy My Best Life Now: I’ve spent too long without your revolutionary new nano-serum; but you persisted, even overlooking my non-directional haircut. Thank-you. Hearing about why Mylene no longer struggles with split ends, I’ve started to reassess my priorities.  All these years I’ve been focused on …Read More

50 Shades of Green

By June 9, 2013 Blog

I’m starting to get why God invented sex. Being honest, I’ve had reservations in the past. This is despite some sterling efforts on my mum’s part to get me to loosen up, (handcuffs, chocolate body paint and wedding night wisdom that still brings me out in a cold sweat).  Sorry Mum: I like big pants and I cannot lie. Even brief nudity is too much.  And as for talking about bodily bits – well, cross the rubicon of ‘front bottom’ …Read More

Food and Feelings

By June 2, 2013 Blog

whether you’re bigger or smaller, you’re not better.    Thin doesn’t make you purer or neater or more popular. Fat doesn’t make you funnier or jollier or better at parties. No-one cares how many squat thrusts you can do in a minute. A new size is not a new self – if you hate your mother at size 16, you’ll still hate her at size 6. there are more important issues to think about.  Like why you’re using food and making …Read More

Theory and Practice

By May 15, 2013 Blog

You know when you talk about God’s timing and God’s planning and in theory it makes sense? But then the practice of believing it is so much harder? That’s been today. We were scheduled to start IVF after 10 years childless and more than a year of waiting.  I’ve been my normal relaxed self, (wired to the moon with nerves and crossing off the days till finally, something starts).   Injections or nasal sprays or whatever – anything to start …Read More

Body Talk

By May 10, 2013 Blog

As anorexics know all too well –  you can be a skeleton and still feel ‘fat’. ‘Fat’ is not a feeling – but man, it feels like one. However, it’s not just those with eating disorders who struggle with self- perception.   That’s the premise behind a book called ‘Always the Fat Kid‘, published in the States by Dr Warren and Dr Smalley. In it the authors claim that, even after losing weight, those who were overweight as children will continue …Read More

Baby Hunger

By May 7, 2013 Blog

Glen and I are hoping to start IVF fairly soon.  I say hoping, because it’s been a long, long process and I’m utterly convinced I will do something to stuff it up.  That probably sounds stupid as, at this stage, there’s not much I can do except take the hormones, try not to go (even more) bonkers, pray and wait. But – I have Eating Disorder Guilt, I don’t think I’m an adult let alone a Woman and frankly, after …Read More