It’s not OK to be me. It’s not OK to be weak. God doesn’t want to hear from me. My friends don’t want to hear from me. If I try I will fail. No-one else struggles like this. God can’t use me. Definitely not right now. Having needs makes me pathetic. Naming my desires is too dangerous. I must have what she has. I should be where he is. I know what they’re thinking. They should know what I’m thinking. …Read More
It’s January; the month of resolutions and regimes. The month of trying harder. Do everything differently. Begin again. There are times when we need to make big changes. For example, a habit that’s become an addiction; or a pressing health concern that won’t be ignored. But, in the main, I’m in favour of little changes. Over time, a tiny tip on the rudder, completely alters your course. don’t put on a brave front: talk to trusted friends and family. If …Read More
We’re on holiday this week, so here’s one from the archives… One of the hardest things about doubt is admitting it’s there. Like inviting a flood; if I don’t believe this, then what about this and this and this? Does God hear my prayers? Does He care? Is He even there? It’s all well and good if you’re a self-proclaimed atheist. In this situation, the only way is up. But what if you’re the leader of a home group? …Read More
Over the years I’ve struggled with anxiety. At its worst, it’s paralysing, leaving me unable to think or move or breathe. Simple tasks feel fraught with danger and overwhelming significance. Little tasks, like chores feel overwhelming. Ask me what’s wrong and I can’t explain. There’s a list of trivialities, but nothing to explain the sense that everything is breaking. So how can I help myself? And how can I (and others like me), be helped? Take me seriously: but not my fears. Anxiety is like a whirlpool …Read More
This morning was our women’s bible study group. I woke up with a stinking headache and a fractious baby. It was pouring with rain, Ruby was screaming, the house was a tip and my phone was flashing reminders for a deadline I’m struggling to meet. I felt like climbing back into bed and pulling the curtains. I felt like I should chip the spilt Weetabix off the floor and get the house into order. I felt like I needed to work whilst Ruby slept. …Read More
Things that make me anxious: Wasps. Small-talk. Admin. Deadlines. Phone-calls from numbers I don’t recognise, (Why are you calling me? Has somebody died?) And DECISION-MAKING. Given that each day is made up of choices, this can be a problem. Big ones (relationships, life choices, money etc). But small ones too. Blue socks or green? Muesli or Weetabix? Ordering a coffee: Barista: HihowareyoutodaywhatcanIgetyou? E: Oh – hi. Fine, I think. Actually I’m knackered. You? Great. Er – what did you ask me again? …Read More
I love that Jesus tells us to cast our cares on Him. The difficult part is letting them go. I’m good at anxiety. I can’t keep our plants alive – but I can blow the tiniest flicker of worry into a furnace. Big ones, (health, wanting my family to know Jesus, scary letters, bills, The Future) and little ones (did I really say that? must remember to phone X…what’s that smell of burning?) …they gang up and tackle me when I least expect …Read More
Hands up out there if you’re a Hoarder. You know what I’m talking about. Hanging onto things (sometimes everythings) a little too long. Buying more of exactly the same stuff (in case the world runs out). Stockpiling – dvds or nappies or toilet rolls or the stinky cheese from Poundland that always gets snapped up. It’s definitely in me. I’m better than I was, (Exhibit A: mountains of unworn Oxfam clothes, now bagged up and repatriated). But only slightly. Pull open the cupboards and you’ll see …Read More
How do you feel about change? I’m not a fan. In fact, I hate it. I hate change. But it loves me. I can’t avoid it. Though believe me, I’ve tried. I tried it with anorexia – trying to stop time. I tried it with OCD – trying to control my environment. I tried it with academia – sentences like fences, walling me in. Safety in books. But loneliness too. So I tried it with relationships – the loved ones who swore they’d …Read More
God’s time-frame is not ours. And sometimes, He answers our prayers, a little later than we expect. When I was nine or ten, I entered a competition that our primary school was running with Belfast zoo. ZOO! ZooZooZooZooZoo. I LOVE zoos: and Belfast was the BEST. To enter, you had to write a poem about the new baby kangaroos. The winners would then get to visit them with the class, and – get this – give them kangaroo names. I felt sick just thinking about it. So, I …Read More
